lost in translation

I'm having a hard time today. Difficulty in speaking my mind without it getting jumbled, changed or taken wrong. I haven't always had this problem, it seems just recently I haven't been able to think something and get it out accurately without it sounding foreign once out in the open. I feel choked up, overwhelmed, almost suffocated by all of the thoughts, emotions and explanations I want to express. The transition has set in and my mood has taken a hard fall.  Optimism is harder than I need it to be today.

I don't cry very often, but when I do, it's for a purpose. To cleanse and soothe my core mainly, possibly to initiate the regrouping process and get back on a positive track--never to regress or to heal a wounded ego.  I've realized that the ego is the worst part of most people.  Tears have flowed, emotions heightened by the move and eventual reality that has set in. Missouri may not have the opportunities here by default... this only makes my potential job that much harder to not only see, but I may have to create the opportunities that I want there to be.

So many roads that can be traveled. Sometimes it feels like having chances is just as overwhelming as not having chances.  I want those around me to be the best they can be... almost to a fault. I push, prod and poke people to see what I see in them, hoping that for one minute, they see all that I can see in them. I do it because I love them... entirely, genuinely and honestly. It may come across as bitchy or pushy, possibly even controlling in a way. 

I feel like this manifests into a creature that rears its ugly head in the end after all is said and done. Me "doing" things for them is seen as a negative and words aren't a possibility due to their deep distain for what makes me me. I have never done anything to anyone out of spite, anger or pure meanness. I don't care if that's a word, I know what that word feels like when hit with the words that exit the mouth of the mean.  I've dealt with angry words all of my life. I may not know much, but I know verbal abuse. Emotionally I have been drained, drug, even destroyed, or so I thought.

Never one to victimize my situation, I pressed on-- out to prove them wrong in every way possible. Motivation for some, the demise for others. Strange how the same thing can break or make people. I won't be broken by rude, mean, malicious and cruel-minded people. I have too many people that love and support me. But, what I will do is vent, pray and release the feelings that have had my heart the past 3 days. I am bigger than the situation and know the truth. That alone will set me free.